


What If I Said

by SilentStudies



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Tragedy, Dark, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poisoning, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2019-10-30 03:44:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17821232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentStudies/pseuds/SilentStudies
Summary: If no one is there for him, Namjoon won't be there for them. Or, a collection of sad stories.





	1. Reality Rift

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Who's Gonna Catch Me When I Fall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819368) by [inknkeys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inknkeys/pseuds/inknkeys). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a collection of sad stories! Most chapters in this fic will have sad endings. It's a way to vent my feelings and I wanted other people to suffer with me. Please do not attempt anything Namjoon does in this chapter. Don't commit suicide, even if things are bad, and you're probably tired of hearing this, things will get better. 
> 
> This is the suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> This is the link to the online suicide prevention chat: <http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx>

It's a rare occurrence for Namjoon to be happy. In fact, he can't remember the last time he felt happy. It's just a habit to be sad and depressed, maybe not even a habit, a lifestyle. Every day Namjoon thinks all these dark things, and he can't stop his mind. He can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't do anything without wanting to curl up and die.

He has his friends to support him when he's stressed out over assignments or work, but he never let them see the dark side of his life. He's away from home to study music in college, so he can't simply go visit his family. His parents don't believe in mental illness anyway. They always had pushed him to do better in school, mentally abusing him every time he got a low score. Namjoon finally escaped the house, but sometimes he just wants to go back and make himself suffer if his parents are in the mood to do so to him. 

Namjoon sometimes sets himself up for failure so that he can revel in the feeling pushing him to the brink of despair. His grades are a game to him. He knows he is intelligent enough to do well on any test, but sometimes he would not study to make himself suffer. It's odd how he enjoys the feeling of sadness, of despair. Namjoon feels sick to his stomach thinking about failing a test, he stresses himself out to a point where his insomnia gets worse, and when he does sleep, he gets nightmares.

Then the bullying began. It's much better to make himself suffer than to have other people do it. Every time he left his apartment that he shares with one of his friends, Yoongi, he immediately feels anxiety building up. Will they notice him today? Will his usual seat be filled with trash? Will he be pushed down onto the ground as they laugh and walk away? He feels terror course through him at the mere sight of their faces. He's learned that not looking at their eyes makes their petty anger not as bad. When he looks them in the eye, he sees their faces in his nightmares.

The hunger from not eating has been getting worse and worse. It actually causes a sharp pain in his stomach that doesn't go away, even when he eats the bare minimum. Nothing can satisfy the hunger he feels. Every once in a while he binge eats, sometimes he can hold it down, other times he can't. 

He's just so tired, tired of living and tired of wanting to die. He just wants everything to end. He just wants to go to sleep and never wake up.

He's thought of many plans to kill himself. Some are elaborate, like getting his license and getting a tube to put the exhaust from the car into the car and suffocate himself that way. Others are simple, like slitting his wrists vertically in the bathtub, so blood doesn't get everywhere. It's stupid how much he thinks about it. 

Video games have become his release from the world. Gory video games and mindless video games give him satisfaction, fulfills his needs for blood, and for a mental escape as well. But lately, even that can't make him feel better.

He started cutting himself. Not his wrists but his hips. His underwear covers it so no one would know that he's doing it. He pretends to be fine, that he's only sad because he failed that test. Yoongi doesn't see the bruises, the cuts. The bullies have taken to try to bruise him nowadays. He hates himself so much. He wishes that the bullies would get brave and hurt him badly. He can't do more than cutting himself. He wants to hurt. So badly. He just wants to die. He doesn't care how anymore.

He doesn't bother to protect himself. He is tired. He doesn't care anymore. He takes their words and eats them. He survives on the hatred they're feeding him. His cuts have become deeper and deeper, layering over each other, little X's on his hips. Reminding him that he's alive. The pain reminds him that he's still alive. He hates it. He craves it; it's an addiction. Better than any drug. 

He hates himself. He hates himself. He hates himself. He hates everyone. He can't laugh anymore. He sees Yoongi in the corner of his eyes, frowning at him, sometimes there's hurt in his eyes. Namjoon lets the guilt eat at him. 

He's not eating. He's not talking. He can't speak, when he tries nothing comes out. The professors stop calling on him. He barely shows up to class anymore. He holes himself up in his room. He told Yoongi to fuck off several times, so even he doesn't try to help Namjoon. His other friends try knocking on the door, trying to lure him out with soft and comforting words and what used to be his favorite foods. He hasn't eaten in days. He barely drinks water. He only leaves his room to get water. When there are no water bottles, he takes a cup and fills it with the water from the sink. He feels numb. His stomach hurts. He feels feverish.

Namjoon wants to get help. He leaves his room to talk to Yoongi for the first time in weeks. Yoongi takes one look at him and laughs. Laughter used to make him laugh; now it sets off this suicidal trigger in him. "You fucking attention-seeking bitch, get the fuck out of here," he thinks hears Yoongi say. He's heartbroken. He leaves to his room and locks the door. Fuck going to the bathroom. Might as well slit his wrists here. 

Namjoon's heart is beating fast. He holds the razor blade in between his fingers. He feels dizzy. Is this really how everything ends? Namjoon's knees buckle under him, and he falls down onto the floor. He hits his head hard onto the ground that he momentarily loses consciousness. He's just so dizzy. Why can't someone else kill him? Why does he have to do it? Fuck it.

No one loves him. His friends will be sad, but they'll move on. The bullies have been telling him for months to kill himself. Now he has the balls to do it, and he's still hesitant. What is making him hesitate? Namjoon pulls the sleeve of his hoodie up. Holding the blade with his other hand, he extends one arm, and he hovers the blade over his arm. He can hear the voices of the bullies chanting at him to kill himself. 

The world seems distorted. Namjoon thinks he hears banging on the door, the door looks like it's shaking, but Namjoon is having trouble concentrating on any other thing than the cold and dirty blade he is holding onto his arm. Namjoon takes a deep breath and pushes down, cutting himself. He drags the blade from the area near his elbow down to his wrist. The air is humid from the blood. He doesn't stop cutting his arm, he wants to make absolutely sure that he's going to die. Then he becomes too weak to hold the blade, and it drops onto the floor, splattering blood onto the ground. He stares at it. He feels himself fading. His favorite white hoodie is bright red with blood. The smell of blood is good to him, he's used to it. The world is fading to black.

The last thing he sees before everything fades away is the door banging open and the tear-stricken face of Yoongi, painfully clutching his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever want to chat about depressing stuff and BTS, find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie). I tweet a lot of depressing stuff and everything that's BTS related is mostly Namjoon because he's my bias. Once again, the phone number and link to online chat is below.
> 
> Suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Online suicide prevention chat: <http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx>


	2. Rain pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This depicts an abusive relationship! If you're in a situation like Namjoon's or even worse, this isn't healthy! I understand it might be hard, but you need to get away from that person and get help.
> 
> Here is the phone number for the national domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233
> 
> Here is the chat link for the national domestic abuse chat: <https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-live-chat/>
> 
> Just click "chat" in the upper right hand corner to be connected to someone.

It usually rains every time Yoongi hits him. When Yoongi's had too much to drink, he can't control his anger. Yoongi, even when he's drunk, is a neat freak. He won't break anything, the only thing he does is hit Namjoon with his fists, sometimes his belt. Every time it happens, Namjoon is left with bruises all over his body, sometimes there are bones broken, but Yoongi won't let him leave to go to the doctor. In fact, Namjoon doesn't remember the last time he left the apartment. He never leaves the apartment, if he does, Yoongi will hit him. Yoongi has taken to hitting him even when he's not drunk. Namjoon is scared. He used to be such an outspoken person, but not his life revolves around Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi. 

Namjoon wants to believe that Yoongi loves him. It's hard even to think that, but Namjoon believes that the things Yoongi is doing to him are because he deserves it. His apartment has stains in the carpet, of blood and alcohol. The classes he was taking in college about philosophy have come to naught. Namjoon used to read for fun, but now he can't concentrate on a single syllable, he's too hungry to read a book nowadays. The only food he gets is the food that Yoongi brings home. It's mostly the leftovers from Yoongi's meal. Yoongi sometimes purposely brings home food for Namjoon, and they eat together, and it makes Namjoon so happy and hopeful that things will go back to the way it was when they first started dating. But Namjoon knows deep inside that he's foolish to hope for that.

There's a pain every time Namjoon exhales and inhales a breath, air. He was punched in the throat earlier this morning, he doesn't remember why, Namjoon doesn't even care why anymore, he feels numb to everything. Namjoon makes sure to keep himself clean, he trims his hair with kitchen scissors and cuts his nails with the nail cutter. He shaves his face and puts ice on his bruises. When Yoongi was going to move in with him, he was so excited, he splurged on good furniture and appliances. He sighs thinking about his job. Yoongi destroyed his computer and iPhone so that he couldn't contact anyone; otherwise, he would be considered cheating. 

Namjoon was blind, and he sees that now. He wants to run away, but he's so scared that Yoongi would follow him and kill him. But Namjoon has been creating such an elaborately stupid plan, and he hopes it's going to work. He has a small safe with a thousand dollars in it, that his mother had told him to keep in case of emergencies. This is an emergency. He needs to get away from this man.

Yoongi usually leaves in the late morning to go to the studio where he works as a producer, and he comes back at four in the morning drunk and beats Namjoon to death. Namjoon has been checking the time every day for the last two weeks, making absolutely sure that it sticks to the same pattern. He noticed that on Fridays he comes home much later and leaves earlier. Today is Friday, Yoongi left extremely early this morning, around eight, making Namjoon nervous about his plan to escape, but he pushes forth.

Namjoon practices speaking, but the words sound horrible coming out of his mouth. Today of all days, Yoongi decides to punch him in the throat. Namjoon tears up when he touches the bruise on his throat. He found some coverup under the sink, so he gingerly dabs the liquid concealer on his throat. There are no other bruises that he could visibly see, so he stops there. He doesn't care about the bags under his eyes, it's normal to have them. 

He found a backpack in his bedroom closet, Yoongi doesn't sleep with him in the bed that Namjoon had bought for the both of them, he sleeps in the other bedroom. He probably feels an inkling of guilt for what he does to Namjoon, but Namjoon won't let himself feed off of that tiny bit of emotion. He needs to be strong to pull this plan off. Namjoon puts the small safe in his backpack, he doesn't know where his wallet is, this will have to do. He does have his passport in the safe as well for identification, he never got his driver's license because Namjoon was told all his life that his clumsiness would get him killed, he believes it, especially now. 

Namjoon doesn't have much. He puts a couple days worth of clean clothes and pajamas in his bag, his toothbrush and Yoongi's toothpaste. He's going to be so pissed when he comes back. Namjoon's hand shakes as he grabs the toothpaste. He takes a deep breath. He's got this.

There's nothing in the fridge aside from beer and whiskey. Namjoon's stomach revolts against him when he sees the alcohol. He needs to go, today's schedule was weird for Yoongi. Namjoon's scared shitless that he's going to be back at any minute. The backpack is a little heavy, but he'll deal with it. He needs to leave now.

Namjoon anxiously stands by the door. If he goes out now, he'll never come back. He already accepted this fact yet here he is standing there like a fucking idiot, debating whether or not to leave. Yoongi only wants me as his stress reliever. He shakily opens the door.

He hasn't seen the hallway outside the apartment door in what feels like ages. He steps out the door and hears it close behind him.

His heart is beating fast, he sprints down the hallway. He faintly remembers the way to Jimin and Taehyung's apartment. They're only met Yoongi twice, and Yoongi doesn't know where they live. Namjoon prays that they still live in that little studio apartment near the center of the city.

Namjoon rushes out of the building, anxiety that Yoongi is coming for him eating away at his resolve, but he needs to stay strong. He takes off in the direction of Jimin and Taehyung's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written by second-hand experience. What my friend went through was much worse, but she did escape that relationship. She did drop out of high school because of it, but she's getting her GED with a dream to travel the world. This is split into two parts, the first part is the escape, the second is what comes after. Thank you for reading. I [tweet](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie) a lot of depressing stuff and retweet a lot of Namjoon stuff. If you ever want to talk about depression or Namjoon, feel free to send me a message on my Twitter. Comment any angsty ideas for future chapters down below, I will write mostly everything if someone suggests it.


	3. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a remake of my other fanfic called Poison (the same title as the chapter name). So if things seem familiar, I rewrote everything to better fit Namjoon. :p
> 
> Once again, the suicide hotline number is: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> And this is the link to the online suicide prevention chat: <http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx>
> 
> Please do not attempt what Namjoon did in this chapter. It's not even guaranteed to work and you'll be permanently damaged if you manage to survive it.

Clouds are covering the sky as far as Namjoon could see, it looks like it could start pouring any minute. Namjoon couldn't know for sure since he hasn't used any electronics in months. 

Everything seems dark today. After shutting his blinds after a few good hours of staring out the window, at the life outside the window of his apartment before turning away from it and closing himself off from the world outside once more. He longs so much to join those people walking on the street, to go places other than being holed up in his apartment with no food and only water from the sink. 

His room is dark, sunlight shadowed by clouds, blinds shut and curtains drawn. But still, he can see the ghosts' shadows from outside his bedroom door. He's taken to locking it to prevent the ghosts from coming in, but today he feels brave. Today he wants to die. Today, today, today. Today is the day where he's going to end his life.

Namjoon takes a deep breath and unlocks and opens his bedroom door. His apartment is in disarray. The ghosts tore up the couch with their claws, lightbulbs from lamps remain broken on the ground. The days he has these vivid nightmares are the days where his apartment gets ruined even more. The ghosts eat his food, he has nothing left. He hasn't eaten in 3 days, mostly living off of water. But today is the day.

Walking outside his bedroom for the first time today, the first thing he does is grab a glass of water, filled from the sink, to drink down the acid in his throat. He grabs a kitchen knife and starts thinking about what he's going to do today. 

All of this started when Seokjin left him for Jimin. The ghosts appeared the day Namjoon found out Seokjin was cheating on him with one of Namjoon's friends, Jimin. That day was not the worst day of his life but probably second or third by this point. Wait, it's the fourth for sure. The third was when Jimin spread his nude photos around the entirety of campus. The pictures captioned with "slut for hire." Namjoon stopped going to school after that. The humiliation was irreversible. Then the second was when all his friends accused him of making Seokjin cheat on Jimin with him. After the whole two years they've been together, not once did he notice anything romantic between Seokjin and Jimin, only until the very last month before they broke up. All the humiliation during that month really pushed him over the edge into manic depression. The lines between reality and imagination faded, leaving him with ghosts. 

The ghosts don't have faces, only the eyes. The eyes are what Namjoon's the most afraid of. They remind him of Seokjin and Jimin's, but then they're the wrong color, a bigger shape. Namjoon slides to the floor, clutching the kitchen knife in hand. He glances over subtly to the living room, the ghosts like to sit down on the couch, watching him whenever he leaves his room, but they're not there. Namjoon knows, however, that they're still there somehow, just not visible. Namjoon still remembers the feeling of all the eyes on him that day he went to campus only to see his nude photos in peoples' hands, on the bulletin board, on his professors' whiteboards. All those eyes Namjoon can still feel. It's only been three months since the incident. All that humiliation, that horrible feeling, still hasn't gone away. It's still there, every time he tries to fall asleep, it's there. In his dreams, it's there. When he wakes up, the first thing he thinks about is that humiliation, his friends turning on him, all his happiness shattered along with his heart.

Clutching the knife, Namjoon holds it to his wrist, but he pauses. He fucking pauses because he's still too much of a pussy to take his own life. Namjoon lets the knife fall carelessly to the floor. He holds his head in his hands, eyes closed, hearing the words, slut, cheater, liar replay over and over again in his head. He just can't take it anymore. He tries thinking, thinking, thinking, but the voices are too loud. Everything is too loud, his breath, the rumble of his stomach, the lightning outside, the rain falling, the wind, the air conditioning. Everything, everything, everything is just too loud, and Namjoon doesn't want to live, he doesn't, he doesn't. Please, something, someone just kill me, Namjoon prays. He's an atheist. He's proclaimed that several times. Will any god listen to him now? Namjoon prays, begging for a slumber ending in death, he wants a quick release, anything to take him away from this never-ending nightmare.

Slitting his wrists won't be enough, he can still get revived. But then again, no one has come to check on him in the three months he started holing himself up in his apartment. He did go out in some short periods to get food, but he gave up on that two weeks ago. As much as he likes to think he's a strong person. Just the eyes of anyone on him reminds him of his trauma, and the ghosts are always waiting for him by the doorway once he returns.

For the first time in months, Namjoon turns on his computer. He wants to find a better way to die. Slitting his wrists isn't enough. He wants it to be more painful and less drawn out. Bleeding to death sounds like a long time, but he wants something short and quick. He spends an hour browsing the internet, he doesn't bother going on incognito because what's the point anymore. No one cares. His parents sure don't since they stopped paying for his college when he came out as gay freshman year. Then one year later he started dating Seokjin, or at least he thought he was dating.

Namjoon closes his eyes, trying to get rid of the thought but then the words, slut, cheater, liar being chanted over and over again. White noise in the back of his head as he clicks onto a webpage about arsenic. This, he decides, is the way to go. In an extremely high dose, he could be dead within a few hours to a few minutes. Namjoon shuts his laptop. He has two stops to make today, and then he can finally be away from this world. His heart and mind are decided. Today is the day. June Thirteenth, Two-Thousand-Nineteen. Their anniversary day. What a perfect day to die.

Namjoon gets into the shower, bathes his body for the first time in weeks. Shampoos and conditions his hair with his favorite scents, washing his body with lavender soap. Getting out of the shower, he rubs his favorite lotion onto his skin, swipes some deodorant on, brushes his teeth, shaves his face, combs his hair. He then goes to his room, the chaos that has never been fixed and had only gotten worse since the breakup. Within the clothes strewn everywhere on the floor, he finds his best slacks and his favorite dress shirt. He dresses in them after ironing the clothes. He then goes to the bathroom to spray a little cologne, trying to hide the scent that still didn't go away after showering, the scent of absolute depression.

Grabbing his keys, wallet, and shopping bag, and dressed in his favorite "fancy" shoes, he leaves his apartment for the first time in some long weeks. 

He first goes to a hardware store to buy the rat poison. The levels in arsenic in them are high, so in a high dose, he should die pretty quickly, right? He buys three things of rat poison and shakily swipes his card as fast as he could to get out of the store as soon as possible.

The next stop is the grocery store. Namjoon goes in and buys his favorite pasta and favorite sauce. He then Uber's himself home after all that walking and not enough reasons to have been walking before making his legs feel like jelly. He gets out of the Uber and goes up to his apartment. The ghosts are waiting by his door, they practically open it for him.

Once he's in the apartment, he gets straight to business. He boils the three cups of water then puts the pasta in and sets the microwave timer for eleven minutes. He puts the sauce in a bowl and dumps a container of rat poison in it. Once the pasta has cooked for nine minutes, he dumps another container of rat poison into it and mixes it together with a wooden spoon. He also combines the sauce with the rat poison. Once the pasta is done, he finds his cleanest and his best china plate. Then he gets out his best silverware, and a wine glass filled with liquid rat poison. He sits down after serving himself a generous amount of pasta and places a napkin in his lap. He picks up the bowl of rat poison infested sauce and scraps all of it onto the pasta. He picks up his fork and starts eating. The toxin is tasteless, but the pasta is already bland. Namjoon guesses that the poison made the sauce bland too. He eats all of it diligently, even after feeling bubbling in his stomach. He makes a pained noise, choking on the infested drink and it feels like his insides are boiling and that everything is melting.

Namjoon rushes to the bathroom unbuttons and unzips his pants to sit on the toilet. He feels diarrhea drizzling out of his ass, and he sobs into his hands at the painful feeling in his stomach. He falls to the floor and touches himself only to find that it wasn't diarrhea, it was blood. Suddenly Namjoon can't breathe, and he's choking on some liquid. Once he coughs some of it out, he realizes that it is also blood. Namjoon feels tears streaming down his face, and the blood pool from his ass and mouth onto the floor. This is it, he thinks, this is really how I die.

The world seems to him to be in a kaleidoscope. Everything is in different colors, and it burns his eyes to keep them open. He fights to keep his eyes open, but all he can see are the eyes of the two ghosts staring down at him. The eyes, the eyes, the eyes. Namjoon shuts his eyes in fear at a particularly sharp lurch in his stomach. Please make it end, he prays, just let me die. 

By the morning, Namjoon is barely alive, barely conscious, and barely breathing.

Namjoon's death came after a violent spasm of his body. His body was found two weeks later after a neighbor complained about a smell coming from Namjoon's apartment. His parents refused to pay for the funeral, and he was buried with only the pastor blessing him in the afterlife. Seokjin finds out through a professor that was informed of Namjoon's death. And laughs about it with Jimin, no ounce of guilt, and everyone's lives move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Link to the online suicide prevention chat: <http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx>


End file.
